Farewell to Humanity – Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and Mark Zuckerberg Plan to Escape to Mars to Survive Global Collapse

When the world goes up in flames, most of us will be fumbling for bottled water and off-brand batteries. But not Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, or Mark Zuckerberg.

According to media theorist Douglas Rushkoff, these tech titans are already plotting their great escape—Mars, baby. Because nothing screams “I give up on society” like fleeing 140 million miles away in a platinum rocket.

Move over, Matt Damon. There’s a new cast of marooned millionaires in town. In this low-budget reboot, Elon tries to grow potatoes in dehydrated Tesla marketing brochures, Jeff argues with Alexa over oxygen rations, and Mark Zuckerberg builds a virtual Martian town where your avatar has no legs and no friends.

Unfortunately for them, Mars isn’t exactly an all-inclusive resort. It’s cold, dusty, and has a mood swing problem (also known as planet-wide dust storms). And unlike in Silicon Valley, no amount of disruption will get you a decent espresso up there.

Forget bunkers in New Zealand. These guys are dreaming bigger. Or maybe just redder.

Let’s talk about the man whose skin tone has never once encountered a UV ray: Mark Zuckerberg. If the poor man (/s) looks like Queen Elizabeth I while surfing in Hawaii, we can only wonder what he will need to do to protect his skin in a planet with no ozone layer.

Forget sunscreen—Zuck would need a custom-built UV-resistant exosuit, SPF 5,000 minimum, and a backup face just in case. And if he thinks the internet trolls are harsh now, wait until he hears what the Martian rocks have to say.

Also, can we pause to appreciate the irony of a man obsessed with virtual worlds landing in a place where reality is 100% offline and 100% trying to kill you?

Jeff Bezos: Prime Delivery, Dust Included

Bezos, meanwhile, is probably drafting blueprints for Amazon Mars as we speak. One-hour delivery? Try one-sol shipping, assuming your drone doesn’t get swallowed by a dust devil or frozen mid-air.

And his shiny dome? On Earth, it gleams. On Mars, it becomes a literal beacon for cosmic radiation. Give it a few months and we’ll be able to spot Jeff from Earth using backyard binoculars.

Elon Musk: Our Martian Overlord in Waiting

Elon, of course, has been planning his Mars migration since before Tesla had doors that worked. SpaceX isn’t just a passion project, it’s his escape hatch. He’s betting big on Martian real estate and has probably already trademarked “Muskopolis.”

His plan? A self-sustaining city where AI babysits toddlers and flamethrowers double as kitchen tools. But the real kicker is this: the man who can’t even keep X from imploding thinks he can run a planet that makes Antarctica look like Malibu.

And if you thought his Wi-Fi was spotty on Earth, wait until he tries to livestream from Olympus Mons.

No Staff, No Sushi, No Oxygen – The Ultimate Rich Guy Problem

What all three of them will realize—somewhere around day five of freeze-dried kale—is that life without Earth isn’t glamorous. There’s no one to hand you a towel. No sushi. No perfectly frothed cappuccino. Just red dust, bad signal, and a growing suspicion that your billionaire buddies might not be great roommates.

Imagine Elon trying to mediate a dispute between Jeff and Mark over who gets the only functioning toilet in the habitat dome. Spoiler: nobody wins.

Here’s a wild idea, fellas: instead of preparing to abandon the rest of us, maybe use that genius, funding, and tech obsession to fix what’s still fixable? Oxygen is free here. The beaches are sandy and wet. And best of all, you don’t have to wear a helmet to walk to the store.

Live Long and Don’t Prosper on Mars

Look, we get it. Power makes people do strange things. Like colonize a dead rock instead of supporting the society that made you rich enough to do it. But while the rest of us patch roofs, plant tomatoes, and try to keep things running, the richest minds on the planet are playing interplanetary Monopoly.

And if it doesn’t work out? Don’t worry. We’ll still be here. Fixing things. One compost bin and solar panel at a time.